Please dont leave…..Part 2.
When I realised it wasn’t an external being that left…… I abandoned myself.
My pineapples, I would love to tell you that this blog post just fell out of my brain and I just started to write. The truth is, the discovery I made in the last two weeks has wrecked me a little and my loves I could really use your hands to hold. BUT, until the time when we can meet in more than a group of 6, unless we are an organised sport, 5 aside anyone? just take a minute to consider your own worth, both self and the position you hold in your own life.
But Aine, why are you asking us to look at ourselves and self worth!? STOP THAT! Because it is something I have done for 2 weeks and realised I am living as an outer shell (outer child), with my inner shell (inner child) completely separate and, well to put it simply, alone. I have realised that the reason I collapse when I watch that scene in Wall E (see part 1) is because my inner and outer child are trying to communicate, but they cant, they are unplugged, they are a ship looking out for its light house in a storm, only for the light to flicker and die.
What happens when we abandon ourselves? Well, I think maybe we walk around as a hollow easter egg. I am walking around presenting as one thing whilst the inside, the true me, is fighting to get back to the shell, is fighting to, well I guess to put it simply, find me again.
I was left realising that it wasn’t any one else that had left or abandoned me. Trust me when I tell you that it would have ben easier to blame someone else for that hole that my inner self has been circling all this time. But when I was gut punched I remember it well, I did it to myself 2 weeks ago when I asked myself why I kept trying to find a bunch of different men to date. And with the help of that ever attacking book and some self discovery, I knocked the wind straight out of my tight lungs…..
I whispered into the wall…..I left myself behind and never found my way back.
So what did I do then? What was I supposed to do!? How the fuck am I supposed to fill up that hole with…well…..myself?
We aren’t taught how to give back to ourselves, only to others. We are not taught how to love ourselves in the same way we love others. We talk about heartbreak when we lose that love, but what do we call it when we dont love ourselves, why are people not writing songs about that! What fucking use was learning how to share if I wasn’t taught how to share myself with myself? Sounds ridiculous when you read it back right? Ridiculous that I want to love me unconditionally. This may be the first time I have sworn in a post and it because I am angry, angry that my abandonment isn’t individual it is situational.
Let us look back at some situations that may have caused myself to be searching for myself. You are about to learn some things about little old me so strap in, nothing huge right now, but stuff I have not alluded to in other posts. Every time some one at school told me I was ugly and I agreed with them to try and be cool. Every time stuff was thrown at me and I laughed because they did. Every time I slept with an older man in the hopes they would love me. When I didn’t leave an abusive situation because I thought it would stop and he would change. Every time I thought I was worthless.
Alright lets take a breath…that was a lot. Unfortunately there is no way to side step this. When we abandon ourselves we side step every scrape and dent we inflict on ourselves. When the events above occurred, what I didn’t notice is that slowly I was separating from parts of me and, 15/16 /5 years on there is nothing left. I am tapping at hollow and so I am forced to notice something hidden in my sub-conscience. I am holding onto air, that tasty little easter egg has been chipped away at and now, there is just the inside. And shock horror! There is nothing inside (You know you have all felt that disappointment at east where there are no little eggs in the big egg)
Well no more, self! The reason I asked you to look at yourself earlier, really look at yourself, was because one of the biggest ways we survive all the shit you go through is by being whole….and not with anyone else…but with yourself. AND THIS IS NOT SELFISH. This is care in its most raw and basic form. At 31 I am apologising to inner me for ignoring her, for hurting her and living in a way that made me detach from that.
My incredible pineapples, please check in on your little selves. They may be calling for you and need nurturing and our adult selves that we have been protecting all this time has a job to do.
Dear myself
My ego has been ignoring the vulnerable parts of me.
And for that, I am truly sorry