Bet you say that to all the girls.

Yea. They probably do. And thats ok.

Me…pretending not to hear a compliment. Photo by Andy Eathorne

Now before you start yelling at me for being absent, there is a pandemic! Also I have given up chocolate so I am just about able to open both eye balls.

But, my fruity pineapples, I am slowly dragging my crisp packet, Netflix jiggle ass out of my writing slump. I will endeavour to finish poly week, or not, it really is my choice and as a woman I am allowed those damn it!

I digress, back to the topic at hand!…. Compliments in polyamory. So during lockdown there has been one thing that I have managed to do quite well and that is date. RELAX! All within the rules, which kind of makes it that much more impressive, I know, I am a genius and also, more accurately, starved for connection.

So I have managed to keep up a handful of wonderful connections that I have now started to go outside and stare at whilst putting my best flirt step forward, which, trust me, should be classified as an illegal weapon….. BUT, what has occurred to me lately is the inability to let go of my own ego within these dynamics.

What I mean by this is, for example, a partner or date pays me a compliment, whether it be “you’re beautiful”, “you are fun”, “damn it you are interesting”…. now….. whilst I blush and look away and mildly swoon, there seems to be another thought that keeps flashing across my mind and that is “how many other partners do you say this to”. And, pineapples, if I am honest,  having this thought makes me feel real guilty.

Allow me to explain….We are allowed to give multiple people compliments. And, as polyamorous pickles we really enjoy being able to share our feelings and thoughts with more than 1 other person especially where new wonderful feelings are involved….. So why the sadness that I am not the only one receiving compliments? Well….my partner Tom (you are all familiar) said something interesting which I touched on earlier…some of polyamory is about giving up your ego.

Now, if you know me, which a lot of you do by now, you will not be surprised that my response to him was to screw up my face and say “NO! I don’t want to give it up, I AM VERY SPECIAL and I should be the most special in every single humans life”!....I then laughed and admitted that this was only my feeling 5% of the time. It is a hard thing to admit that as much as I enjoy polyamory, the hardest thing for me to let go of is the idea that I am not ”the only one” and that means the people I am seeing will inevitably have romantic/sexual/complimentary feelings towards other people…funnily enough, just like me! ….but hey, this is not about me…oh wait…

The thing is, I am also complimenting the people I date…… NOW…and I think this is where my real point lies…I know it takes me a minute to get there, just sit back down. My compliments to each partner are in fact different because…and here is the real scoop…they are all different people and are wonderful in their own ways, yes with some similarities because I am attracted to a similar type of human…cough..nerds…of course, myself included in that.. But fundamentally their experiences are different and what I experience with each of them is different. See how easy that was for me to just roll off and feel a little bit of sunshine as I said it…..

So why is it hard for me to accept that I am not my partners be all and end all? You have all been with me long enough that you know the answer to this question….thats right friends….monogamy. Now I am always an advocate for monogamy and a believer that it can have its benefits, HOWEVER! It did leave me with a bit of an unhealthy trait of wanting to be somebodies front and centre. I have coined this the  “mono ego” and in my ever so humble opinion I believe we really need to spend time dismantling it.

How? I hear you asking…I have no idea lads! I thought you had the answer…ok ok, joking aside. It starts where it always does, with yourself. Now that I have recognised this I can start to dismantle my ego and build it in other places. For example, as a creative, I need confidence to pretend to know what I am doing, this needs some ego right? So if I can channel the little ball inside that wants to be everyones number 1, to being my own number 1 then I reckon we are onto a winner.

Listen, I am not saying that it is easy, I am also definitely not saying that we should feel bad for wanting to be special to some one. I think it is important to communicate feelings with partners, including ones about your ego. For example, Tom tells me I am the most beautiful girl in the world (or something to that effect, I am to busy avoiding compliments like the well trained woman I am) but I know that when Tom starts dating again, that wording will become ‘You are one of the most beautiful women I know” and I suppose this brings up the idea of comparison and maybe that is where it all lies.

It can be hard in polyamory or ENM not to compare yourself to partners partners, but this can be where the tiny ego comes in handy. You are no more or less than they are, you are all equally badass and bring something unique to the table for each person. Owning our own inner badass means that we can be our own front and centre, the apple of our own eye, using our ego to propel us into something great, for ourselves.

Now look….this is not to say that as you move further along in your dynamic there wont be private moments that are just for the two of you. In jokes, the way you touch and those quiet moments. And perhaps these are what we should be focusing on, because really these are what connects us.

Sometimes in polyamory, it is admitting when something is a you problem and developing the skills to move fluidly through them, to become richer in the dynamics.

But hey….that doesn’t mean you dont get to be special to other people too, in the same way that they are to you. So keep complimenting damn it…because my god it is enjoyable. Now off you go and yell at your partners and friends about how good they smell!