Relationships in a time of Isolation

Sunset from my time in Australia 2016

There are stories hidden in the language we use, whether we are conscious or not. They tell the truth of our hearts and minds- Cheryl Strayed, Brave enough,

It is a time that we have never gone through before, a time where we are all simultaneously experiencing change.  And what has been interesting to observe is how our relationships with people in our lives have changed, both for the good and the not so good.

So lets not pull hairs here,  I mean it may be what some of us are doing to pass the time, BUT we do seem to have a little more time on our hands. Shocking! And it has to be said that in week 3, the novelty is starting to wear off slightly for some and we just want to press our faces against other peoples faces. I will happily admit that I almost yelled across the field at a stranger to look at a cute squirrel. It is getting desperate.

So it comes as no surprise that our relationships are being wildly tested, whether they are solid relationships where you live together or just something that is casual,....it is all getting hairy. And of course it is! the same rules do not apply anymore, relationships that were never supposed to be long distance have become just that and only time will tell whether you can stay in the rocking boat, or capsize into an ocean that we aren't sure ends any time soon. I am not trying to be all doom and gloom here, there is a point to all this, I promise  I am getting to it, before you grab the gin/prosecco mix you made yourself at 10am.

You know what also happens when you spend too much time away from people you care about? Your brain has far too much time to think, or to be more precise, overthink. We end up down this rabbit hole with a giant Alice,  and we are yelling at an imaginary version of our relationships. Social media has made it easy to keep in contact but has also made it unbearable to be apart. You can post on social media but you cant call me? or, I knew we had all these issues! just hadn't realised till now. Hmmmm not necessarily gang. So the purpose of this post is to bring all this to light and then to tell you something I have discovered, we are making a lot of it up! because we are bored.

Did you ever do that thing as a kid where you thought you were Matilda and if you stared at something for long enough then maybe it would move. Maybe you were magic just like her. Then, after a few hours of staring at a bottle, it moves! and you jump up and you run in to your parents living room screaming I am magic! out the way parents, Miss Honey is about to adopt me. Well kids, you adorable idiots, (including myself) you stared at it for so long that the sun moved position and cast a new shadow which created an illusion/ just wishful thinking.   I would like to offer the concept that maybe there is part of your brain that is doing the same things with our relationships.

Now I would like to be clear in saying that not everything you are feeling is your mind being an asshole, some of it may be legitimate. But also ask yourself this, do I just really miss seeing this persons face in a normal situation? You are allowed to be angry at this situation and how it has made us all have to live our lives and I am no stranger to angrily waiving my fist at the window yelling at the virus. Is it possible that this collective anger we all feel is seeping into our feelings about relationships we are in?  There is an overwhelming frustration in not seeing our partner..trust me, I was in a very long distance relationship for 2 years, and it was not without its faults, but that is for a different post.

Our minds are much more powerful than we give the squishy lump credit for, our frustrations in these times can manifest into other frustrations that we then allow into the connections with others. I like to imagine it as old school telephone cords that have been chewed a bit by the cat so the conversation now sounds crackly, intermittent and disjointed. And now we are over analysing and convinced that this relationship has changed and that this is how it has always been, we just glossed over it because we were distracted by the outside world. My feelings on this? Either, we are in fact going a little stir crazy and yes we are noticing things about our relationships a little more because they are, currently, a big source of staying occupied OR there are aspects of your relationship or something about the other person that is bubbling to the surface that you have not had to deal with until now....and this...can either make us or break us.

The important thing to note here is that some things are new issues and some are just manifested in the boredom. We now have the time to really analyse our life, relationships and choice, GOOD GOD, nobody wants to do that! We are suddenly faced with demons and fun gems that we have buried inside ourselves. Then the fun game is to take all those upturned rocks and throw them at the nearest source of comfort...our relationships. So take the time with yourself and a mirror, stop going toe to toe with your demons every half an hour and actually talk to your partners. Reflect on what is real and what is actually just the isolation making us live out all the  All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy moments.

I leave you with a tale of 4 hearts and 2 relationships during isolation. 2 friends were dating going into isolation, having been together a while but perhaps not entirely defined if they were boyfriend and girlfriend. They were isolating separately and in touch sporadically, both stressed physically and mentally by the extra pressures of isolation. They both needed a certain level of support from one another and both felt that they were not getting that. Neither of them had come across this side to the other before and, as nothing as of yet had been clearly defined, did not know how to support the other. Needless to say this relationship, 4 weeks into isolation, ended. I am not really in a position to comment on all of the factors that could have influenced this decision but, unfortunately, it is a relationship that broke during isolation.

On a happier note, the other 2 hearts are thriving. This is not to say that they do not miss each other terribly, but I have witnessed first hand how much strength has been gained in these 4 weeks apart. They are a relatively new relationship and have only recently decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Both are struggling with the mental health side of isolation and, as we know, that does come with some drawbacks. However, what started out as a mutual feeling of being scared that something new would not last the isolation,  has blossomed . Communicating through the fear and into new territory such as video calls and film date nights, they are now closer and have a better understanding of who they are as individuals.

So, relationships in isolation? It is going to be a journey.  And what am I doing you may ask? Well I have lived with my boyfriend and his wife for the last 4 weeks and I have to say...it is all going pretty well. As for my more casual relationships, only another 4 weeks of isolation will tell.